Swapping Wings For Love With An UberEats Rider

Food delivery rider
Image from Shutterstock

Her apartment’s doorbell rang. She walked over to it and pushed the “answer call” button.

“Hello?”

There was a moment’s pause, then a commanding Bavarian voice: “I haff your delicious vings. Please open ze door so I can deliver zem to you.”

“Hi — you can just leave them in the hallway, I’ll come down and get them.”

“I’m sorry but we must now deliver zem to ze door. New policy.”

She stopped for a second. She hadn’t heard about this change, but with so many food services jostling for customers, it didn’t seem unreasonable. And it was difficult to challenge such confidence.

“Okay, it’s the second floor, apartment twelve.”

She walked to the door to make sure the safety latch was on. The wings should easily fit through the gap anyway.

The delivery driver knocked on the door — donk donk donk donk. Four solid hits. She cautiously twisted the lock, opened the door, and let out a gasp.

Standing in front of her was a tiny man with a massive head. He couldn’t have been any taller than five feet, but his head was a thick block of meat and bone that looked like it had been stolen from a heavyweight boxer. Atop his colossal bonce was a black baseball cap that said “Bratwurst For Life,” with two piercing blue eyes underneath, a wide-bridged nose equipped with cavernous nostrils, and bulbous lips that glistened in the hallway’s lights. He definitely wasn’t a dwarf, but he also wouldn’t look out of place at a dwarf convention. He wore a shiny UberEats jacket that was too big, and the hand that clutched her food was a bitty pink claw that was starting to turn white. He seemed confused.

“Hi, thanks for bringing it up,” she said, composing herself. She stuck her hand through the door’s gap as the man’s eyes followed it.

“Ze gap is too small,” he said, the bass of his voice rumbling through the apartment below. It seemed safe to open the door. She was pretty sure she could overpower what amounted to a loud child if she needed to. She removed the latch and swung it open.

“Sank you,” the man said. “Now, before ve exchange ze vings, I vant you to know I vaited for over thirty-five minutes for zem. It took a long time.”

“Oh, I’m sorry about that.”

“Sank you.” He raised a claw to the crown of his cap and readjusted it. “Given ze troubles, I thought you might repay me vith a drink. I haff finished work for ze night and vud enjoy talking vith you.”

“Oh, I’m sorry but I have a boyfriend.”

He sucked his fat lips into his mouth and bit down on them.

“But I vaited for thirty-five minutes.”

“I’m sorry about that, but it isn’t my fault. You seem… nice. But I can’t invite strange men inside my apartment for drinks.”

“You sink I am strange.”

“Not strange — I just don’t know you.”

“You sink I am small.”

She stifled a snigger. “Well no… you just can’t come in.”

“I am big where it counts.”

She burst out laughing, and an unfortunate fleck of spit landed on his shiny jacket. He looked at it sadly.

“But I haff provided for you,” he said.

“I paid for this food.”

“I gathered zis chicken with my own hans.”

“You collected this food from a restaurant.”

“I vill always provide for you. Look at ze vings I haff brought tonight. I can bring many more vings.”

“Will I have to pay for those too?”

“Yes.”

“I’m sorry please give me my food.”

He looked down at the bag, sighed, and handed it to her.

“It is because I am small.”

He stared at her for a moment longer, heaved his oversized backpack onto his shoulders, and walked towards the elevator. She could just about see his legs underneath the backpack, diddling along like a centipede’s.

“I’m sorry,” she called.

He turned, his head emerging from behind the backpack like a slab of swinging beef.

“I vill deliver you vings again.”

He walked into the elevator and was gone.

35 Things You Should NEVER Say to an Uber Driver

Concerned driver
Photo by Fred Moon on Unsplash
  1. Are these seats heated? It really helps my hemorrhoids.
  2. My shower is broken and I have a date. Can I shower at yours?
  3. When I turn your interior light on and off really quick it feels like we’re in a disco.
  4. [Returning from McDonalds] They ran out of cups, but were kind enough to put my milkshake into my pockets.
  5. Do you mind if my cobra wraps himself around your headrest?
  6. We need people for our weekly Quorum. Are you Jewish? You look Jewish.
  7. Can you put the air conditioning on? I’m recovering from swine flu and sweating like a pig.
  8. I like you man. Wanna meet my dog? He’s the only other friend I have.
  9. Mind if we listen to Infowars?
  10. Do you know what this rash is?
  11. How do you think that lizards were able to take over the world?
  12. Donald Trump should have won the nobel peace prize.
  13. What’s your favourite secluded spot to take passengers?
  14. [sneezing and spluttering] my mum always held my hand when I was sick, do you mind?
  15. Do you know anywhere that sells large flammable crosses?
  16. I lost my virginity at 32. When did you lose yours?
  17. I love your mole. You remind me of a young Clint Eastwood.
  18. Let’s do this again tomorrow, except with wine and chocolates.
  19. You have a lovely steering wheel.
  20. Do you think it’s ok to have sex with your cousin?
  21. I hope you’re not one of those liberal snowflakes because they really turn me off.
  22. Did you know that you can buy machetes on Amazon for as little as $20?
  23. If God forgives all, can’t we sin however we want?
  24. Are you a coffee or a tea man? Just so I know for tomorrow morning.
  25. I hope you’re circumcised.
  26. If you were stranded on a desert island and had only one animal to have sex with, which would it be?
  27. Isn’t it funny how much your gear shift looks like a penis?
  28. My cobra loves getting into real tight places, if you know what I mean.
  29. I love your leather seats! It’s so easy to clean blood off.
  30. I’ll give you an extra $25 if you massage my leg.
  31. Imagine how cool it would be if The Purge was actually real hahahahahaha
  32. Have you ever tasted someone else’s blood before?
  33. Do you know what chloroform smells like?
  34. Would you rather be buried or cremated?
  35. Your skin is incredible. You should be grateful you’re wearing it.