35 Things You Should NEVER Say to an Uber Driver

Concerned driver
Photo by Fred Moon on Unsplash
  1. Are these seats heated? It really helps my hemorrhoids.
  2. My shower is broken and I have a date. Can I shower at yours?
  3. When I turn your interior light on and off really quick it feels like we’re in a disco.
  4. [Returning from McDonalds] They ran out of cups, but were kind enough to put my milkshake into my pockets.
  5. Do you mind if my cobra wraps himself around your headrest?
  6. We need people for our weekly Quorum. Are you Jewish? You look Jewish.
  7. Can you put the air conditioning on? I’m recovering from swine flu and sweating like a pig.
  8. I like you man. Wanna meet my dog? He’s the only other friend I have.
  9. Mind if we listen to Infowars?
  10. Do you know what this rash is?
  11. How do you think that lizards were able to take over the world?
  12. Donald Trump should have won the nobel peace prize.
  13. What’s your favourite secluded spot to take passengers?
  14. [sneezing and spluttering] my mum always held my hand when I was sick, do you mind?
  15. Do you know anywhere that sells large flammable crosses?
  16. I lost my virginity at 32. When did you lose yours?
  17. I love your mole. You remind me of a young Clint Eastwood.
  18. Let’s do this again tomorrow, except with wine and chocolates.
  19. You have a lovely steering wheel.
  20. Do you think it’s ok to have sex with your cousin?
  21. I hope you’re not one of those liberal snowflakes because they really turn me off.
  22. Did you know that you can buy machetes on Amazon for as little as $20?
  23. If God forgives all, can’t we sin however we want?
  24. Are you a coffee or a tea man? Just so I know for tomorrow morning.
  25. I hope you’re circumcised.
  26. If you were stranded on a desert island and had only one animal to have sex with, which would it be?
  27. Isn’t it funny how much your gear shift looks like a penis?
  28. My cobra loves getting into real tight places, if you know what I mean.
  29. I love your leather seats! It’s so easy to clean blood off.
  30. I’ll give you an extra $25 if you massage my leg.
  31. Imagine how cool it would be if The Purge was actually real hahahahahaha
  32. Have you ever tasted someone else’s blood before?
  33. Do you know what chloroform smells like?
  34. Would you rather be buried or cremated?
  35. Your skin is incredible. You should be grateful you’re wearing it.