Mike Tyson At The Funfair

Image from SNL, CC BY SA 4.0. Original edited.

I been feeling kinda down on myself so I decide to take a trip to the funfair. I call up my buddy Big Ears Avery to see if he wants to come with me and he does, so I jump in my limo and grab him on the way.

It’s a real nice night. The air is crisp and the heat is low and me and Avery sip champagne like two real classy motherfuckers. He tells me about the shit his boss is giving him and I tell him the same thing I always tell him, that I can bump into the man after his shift at the supermarket and make his ribcage a heavy bag. But Avery doesn’t want me to get into trouble and he knows that I’m trying to put those days behind me. He’s a good kid and I love him.

We arrive at the funfair and as I get out of the limo, my foot sinks into 5 inches of mud and soils my brand new Armani shoe. I see red and tell my driver that I will rip his head from his neck and face-fuck it into another dimension for putting us down in a bog. He looks terrified and I squeeze my eyes shut and count to ten like I been taught. I say sorry and he says it’s ok and that he’s real sorry for stopping in such a bad place and that in future all of his stops will be on firm ground where my shoes can sparkle like the stars at twilight. I like his poetic style and tell him so. Then I invite him to join us at the fair and he says he would love to because his dad used to take him to the fair when he was a kid and he misses him badly. My heart fills with love for the man and I wrench him out of his driver’s seat and hug him tight.

The three of us—me, Avery, and Jack—make our way into the funfair. It’s beautiful. I ain’t seen this much colour since I took too many mushrooms at Caesar’s Palace last year, when there was so much colour I thought I was trapped in a motherfucking rainbow. Except this colour was peaceful and it didn’t feel like it was merging with my soul. I say “man this colour is beautiful” to the boys and Jack says it reminds him of the sweet evanescence of the world, which floats on the night like a firefly at the end of time. I respect how deep this motherfucker is and I tell him.

We make our way to the haunted mansion because I love that spooky shit, and the three of us jump into a car. I suddenly get nervous the way you always do when you’re about to get scared. A few seconds later a bright green witch leaps out of the dark and laughs and shakes her broom at us and I scream like a goddamn woman. I jump out of my seat and rip the broom from her claws and smash her plastic face with it again and again until she looks like Pinklon Thomas in 1987 after I was through with him. I gather myself and realise what I’ve done, and we make a quick exit out of a side door before a funfair man catches us.

Avery asks me if I’m alright and I tell him I’m fine, I was just embarrassed I screamed. He says it’s ok because he was scared too. He always makes me feel better about myself and I hug him and tell him I’m gonna treat him to the biggest damn hot dog he’s ever seen. We find a hot dog stand and sure enough they sell jumbo dogs which fills my heart with joy. I order three jumbo dogs with all the trimmings and when the guy puts them on the counter they are the smallest damn jumbo hot dogs I’ve ever seen in my life, no more than six inches across. I say “hey man these dogs are no more than six inches across and you’re saying they’re jumbo? What kind of bullshit is this?” He apologises and says the business has fallen on hard times and that the dogs used to be bigger but they gotta make cutbacks. I don’t like his sneaky fucking ways and I grab the dogs and furiously launch them into the nearby carousel where one of them splatters across the face of a little blonde girl riding a pony who screams even though the hot dog was so small it couldn’t hurt a fly. The carousel-master realises what has happened and stops the ride. Its tune winds down slowly like an old record that’s been stopped, and every face turns our way. I realise I’ve done it again and that we’d better leave before the cops get here. The last thing I need on my record is a hot dog assault involving a minor.

We flee the scene and leap into the limo. Jack slams on the accelerator and the spinning wheels send torrents of mud onto the people behind us before the vehicle finally lurches forward and we escape into the night. Avery looks at me all shocked and then starts to laugh, which sets me off. I compose myself and tell him we shouldn’t laugh because I’m not that kind of guy anymore and he says he knows but it’s still funny. Then I catch sight of those stupid big ears of his and that sets me off again.

We decide to go back to my place and smoke some weed and watch The Hangover. We say we might even watch all three, even though we all know the first one is the best.

**

Wanna know more about the shit I go through being Mike Tyson? Read about my time at Walmart here.

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